It's Ok to Not Be Ok

I didn't make the brownies. That's the first thing to get out of the way. We ended up out for the day. Tomorrow when I make pasta salad and an apple trifle for work (as well as butternut squash soup to take to my sister's for dinner), I'll make brownies, too. If I'm going to be in the kitchen anyway, I may as well.

And, obviously, I've decided to keep up the blog, at least for now. There were two things that put me on the "pro" side of things. The first was that I got sick - presumably from my Amy's pizza. I mean, kangaroos kickboxing in my abdomen kind of sick. It's the only out of the ordinary thing I ate, and they're not made in a dedicated facility. And I got severely ticked off about the fact that a) "gluten free" doesn't always literally mean no gluten, and b) a stinking quarter-teaspoon or whatever of wheat flour can put me down for a day. I swear, I'm going to have to start a comic to channel my hatred of gluten - Captain Celiac vs. the Gluten Goblins.

The second thing - the one that really pushed it - was that I burst into tears over wanting french fries. If that doesn't sound like one of the dumbest things to cry over, you must have very over-emotional friends. Yes, I know potatoes have no gluten. But a lot of places use some kind of coating. And even the ones listed as gluten free usually have the disclaimer that they're made in a common fryer. So a desire for french fries, combined with almost no sleep the last few days, made me cry.

And all of that got me thinking. The stuff I'm afraid will make me look like I'm attention-mongering - the details of how I'm feeling, etc - is the stuff I *do* need to be sharing. Not for pity purposes. But because I need anyone else going through this to know that it's ok to not be ok. Yes, there are a lot of gluten free foods available. And hopefully those around you will support you and remind you of that. But sometimes, in the face of all of that optimism, you feel bad about feeling bad. Like it's wrong to be depressed, or upset, or frustrated.

First of all, feelings are never wrong. Actions and words can be wrong, but not feelings. Secondly, if you have Celiac, you have a chronic autoimmune disorder that can cause pain, fatigue, bloating that makes you look pregnant (and garners you dirty looks b/c you're too bloated to wear your wedding ring), and a whole host of other physical and psychological damage. You are allowed to be depressed, upset, or frustrated. You are allowed to put the bottle of dressing back on the store shelf a little harder than necessary because you're ticked about the modified food starch in yet another of your favorite foods. You are allowed to cry over french fries. I give you permission.

So I'm going to keep sharing here. Hopefully I'll mostly keep it to food reviews and recipes (the latest of both being that sai fun is delicious, and naturally gluten free - I had it with turkey broth, mushrooms, chicken & seasonings tonight for dinner), but I'm also going to let you in on the ugly stuff. I might not tell you every time I cry over french fries, or have to leave the store because I can smell the bread baking. But I will share enough to let you know that I'm right there with you.