Ryan Gosling Loves Us

I got a text from my sister today. When I picked up the phone, I saw this:

 

I couldn't very well not share it...

Knowledge is Power. And Scariness.

Over the course of the last few weeks, Celiac has replaced anything else that may have been masquerading as the monster under my bed. (Although with my current set-up, I suppose it would actually be the monster in the drawers of my bed platform...) It seems as though every time I pick up a new piece of information, the monster grows. For instance, when I was first sick, we thought I had endometriosis. Anyone who knows me knows that the thing I want more than anything else in life is children. So anything threatening my ability to have them was scary. I was relieved in that sense when I found out I had Celiac. Then, today, I discovered that Celiac can cause miscarriage and infertility (along with yeast infections, diabetes, osteoporosis, anemia, thyroid disease, fibro, etc, of course).

First instinct? Yell at my intestines for being such jerk-wads. I mean, seriously - that's a total dick move. But, given that my ears and brain are in my head and not my abdomen, I didn't figure that would be terribly productive. Nor would my second instinct - curling up in a ball for awhile. So I decided to go with what seems to be counter-intuitive, given that the more information I have, the more of a total creep Celiac turns out to be. I decided to get more information. And more, and more and more. I decided I want to know everything I possibly can.

My first source is one that my friend Judy recommended after having seen a magazine at a friend's home - Living Without.  Living Without has tips, recipes, and information for those who are gluten free (as well as those with a few other dietary restrictions). You can subscribe to the magazine and get books (both physical and electronic), but you can also sign up for recipes and other info for free.

My next stop was my favorite stop for everything - the "shop" button on my Nook. For anyone who doesn't know, I'm mildly addicted to my Nook - a surgery gift from my wonderful husband. I found a book called "The Celiac Diet." I had searched through a few others, but this one seemed to be most on point with what I was looking for. The author has had Celiac her whole life, but wasn't diagnosed until she was 30 and ended up in the hospital. Fed up with the lack of Celiac knowledge among the nutritionists in the hospital, she went and got her ccertification in nutrition and weight management.

I'm only on page 8, but the most important thing I've learned so far is that not eating gluten will only prevent further damage. Extra steps will need to be taken to heal the damage already done. And, depending on how long I've actually had Celiac, I may never fully heal. Not saying that as a "woe is me" thing; just noting that I shouldn't get frustrated so quickly about not feeling better right away. The author said that by following what she's setting out in the book, she's gotten much better - her energy is back, her weight is stable, and she feels (for the most part) great.

All of this put together, along with whatever else I may find in the future, is going to be my flashlight. Because, as everyone knows, monsters hate flashlights.

"Happy" Turkey Day

I promised I'd share the good and the bad, but I'm not a fan of public whining, so this one will be short. I'm currently extremely frustrated. For Thanksgiving, Mike and I always go to my grandmother's house, and then his. I was really excited to see all the family. Then, shortly after dinner at my grandmother's, I got really sick. I know I didn't eat anything with gluten in it, so it was probably cross-contamination of some kind. I didn't want my grandmother to feel bad because it's definitely not her fault if I don't pay attention. But it meant cutting my visit down to about an hour and a half.

We got home, and I insisted that I could go to my in-laws' with Mike if I could just lay down for 20 minutes. Instead, I fell asleep on the couch. If you don't know me well, that may not seem like a big deal. But the planets pretty much have to align for me to sleep at all, and I've only fallen asleep on a couch 5 times. I was a little kid for two of those, and incredibly sick for the rest. So Mike went by himself.

It's just a little disheartening how little can set me off. And the Celiac can make me sick all it wants when I'm at work. I'll deal. But I hate that it took me out of my time with my family.

It's Ok to Not Be Ok

I didn't make the brownies. That's the first thing to get out of the way. We ended up out for the day. Tomorrow when I make pasta salad and an apple trifle for work (as well as butternut squash soup to take to my sister's for dinner), I'll make brownies, too. If I'm going to be in the kitchen anyway, I may as well.

And, obviously, I've decided to keep up the blog, at least for now. There were two things that put me on the "pro" side of things. The first was that I got sick - presumably from my Amy's pizza. I mean, kangaroos kickboxing in my abdomen kind of sick. It's the only out of the ordinary thing I ate, and they're not made in a dedicated facility. And I got severely ticked off about the fact that a) "gluten free" doesn't always literally mean no gluten, and b) a stinking quarter-teaspoon or whatever of wheat flour can put me down for a day. I swear, I'm going to have to start a comic to channel my hatred of gluten - Captain Celiac vs. the Gluten Goblins.

The second thing - the one that really pushed it - was that I burst into tears over wanting french fries. If that doesn't sound like one of the dumbest things to cry over, you must have very over-emotional friends. Yes, I know potatoes have no gluten. But a lot of places use some kind of coating. And even the ones listed as gluten free usually have the disclaimer that they're made in a common fryer. So a desire for french fries, combined with almost no sleep the last few days, made me cry.

And all of that got me thinking. The stuff I'm afraid will make me look like I'm attention-mongering - the details of how I'm feeling, etc - is the stuff I *do* need to be sharing. Not for pity purposes. But because I need anyone else going through this to know that it's ok to not be ok. Yes, there are a lot of gluten free foods available. And hopefully those around you will support you and remind you of that. But sometimes, in the face of all of that optimism, you feel bad about feeling bad. Like it's wrong to be depressed, or upset, or frustrated.

First of all, feelings are never wrong. Actions and words can be wrong, but not feelings. Secondly, if you have Celiac, you have a chronic autoimmune disorder that can cause pain, fatigue, bloating that makes you look pregnant (and garners you dirty looks b/c you're too bloated to wear your wedding ring), and a whole host of other physical and psychological damage. You are allowed to be depressed, upset, or frustrated. You are allowed to put the bottle of dressing back on the store shelf a little harder than necessary because you're ticked about the modified food starch in yet another of your favorite foods. You are allowed to cry over french fries. I give you permission.

So I'm going to keep sharing here. Hopefully I'll mostly keep it to food reviews and recipes (the latest of both being that sai fun is delicious, and naturally gluten free - I had it with turkey broth, mushrooms, chicken & seasonings tonight for dinner), but I'm also going to let you in on the ugly stuff. I might not tell you every time I cry over french fries, or have to leave the store because I can smell the bread baking. But I will share enough to let you know that I'm right there with you.

To Blog or Not to Blog

Ok, I know I've been bad about my "a couple times a week" posting on here. And I promise there is actually a reason - I don't actually know if I want to continue this. So I'll go ahead and lay out my pros and cons - maybe getting it all out will help me make my decision.

To Blog:

1. I haven't found many other blogs that start at the beginning with Celiac. And many gluten free blogs aren't about Celiac at all - just intolerance and/or healthy living.
2. I like sharing recipes (mostly because I like feeding people, and if you're not in my apartment, sharing a recipe is the closest I can get).
3. It helps me organize my thoughts.
4. It helps me feel better when I'm craving cake and going out of my mind because I can't even have olive oil mayo (modified food starch - hooray).

Not to Blog:

1. I am not one to go spreading my issues all over the internet. Anyone who reads this who's one of my Facebook friends will note that I didn't post anything about my illness for the year and a half before I had a diagnosis. I didn't post about my surgery, the crippling pain, nausea, exhaustion, or the fact that most days I went to work, came home with barely enough energy to read for half an hour, and collapsed into bed. And I only started posting after my diagnosis because I figured that if I had no idea Celiac symptoms looked like that, other people might not either. To me, constantly posting about an illness just feels like a bid for pity and attention, and I don't want to be that kind of person.
2. I'm not really breaking any new ground here - there are other gluten free blogs that give recipes, food reviews, etc.
3. I have about 5 readers, and one is my mom. 
4. Alternately, if I get more readers, posting is one more thing to worry about - I won't want to let anyone down who does read regularly.

So, I have an equal number of pros and cons, but that doesn't mean the choices are equal. I'm going to sit on this for a little while, and see how it goes. I am having my first go at gluten free brownies today (from a mix), so if they're really bad (or really good), I'll probably end up caving and just keep posting. After all, if I don't save you from bad brownies, who will?

Laughed So Hard I Cried - Or Maybe I'm Just in Mourning for Cake...

So, I've been grocery shopping about 10 times since I found out I have Celiac (note - clearly these weren't full shopping trips. I go when I realize I need a few things. I should probably work on that). I've gotten some wonderful things (like Apple Cinnamon Chex - all Chex are gluten free), and some things that almost made me throw up (like Enjoy Life caramel apple chewy bars. I swear, they're made of sawdust, glue, and just a pinch of brimstone). It's still a bit disheartening - every time I see "modified food starch" it makes me want to Hulk out and smash the aisle. 

So it was wonderful tonight when (completely unexpectedly), I got to have a laugh about being gluten free. Mike and I were watching "John Pinette: Still Hungry." I LOVE John Pinette. (If you've never seen his stand up regarding France and Italy, you haven't properly laughed. If you do watch it, know that the Italian waiter is EXACTLY like my grandmother and great-grandma).

After his usual food, Bed Bath & Beyond, and other jokes, John announces that a doctor told him he's allergic to wheat and should avoid gluten. Best quote? "I said, 'what has gluten in it, pray tell?' You know what has gluten in it? EVERYTHING!!!!!" From realizing how much he can't eat, to describing how gluten free bread broke his toaster, the whole thing had me cracking up. I definitely needed some comic relief, and this was it. I didn't even get jealous that he can still eat barley. Here's a link to the first part of it on YouTube. For the whole video, I recommend watching the entire special - it's wonderful.

"I Got the Bunnies" Just Doesn't Have That Ring to It

Everyone I've lived with as an adult has been made aware of the "Mac&Cheese and Kool-Aid Rule." The rule states that if you come home to find me eating mac & cheese with hotdogs cut up in it and drinking Kool-Aid (especially cherry or lemon/lime), just hug me. Nevermind asking about my day. Just hug me. Why? Because this is a food combination I only indulge in if I'm extremely sad/upset or have had a bad day. And I don't just mean regular bad day. A MC/KA meal is only for the "someone ran over my puppy" kind of sad days.

I should also mention that I hate cheese. This is important because it explains why I only like the blue-box, fake cheese stuff. In fact, when I made a delightfully ooey-gooey, rich, mac & cheese bake for my husband, I had to hold my nose while I was cooking.

Naturally, upon finding out I had Celiac, I was a little worried. Do they even make "crap" macroni & cheese without gluten? The answer is a resounding YES! And just in time. It's been a rough week. I think part of that is due to the fact that food is often my go-to for comfort. And most of my comfort food is chock full of wheat. It's difficult to comfort yourself with food, when you need comfort because you can't eat that food.

That's where Annie's comes in. While at Heinen's, I found their rice pasta with cheddar and bought a few boxes. On a day when I met all of the above-mentioned criteria, I cooked a box of it while waiting for my lemon-lime Kool-Aid to chill in the fridge. To finish it off, I cut up and threw in some Ballpark Smoked White Turkey Franks. I use them because of my restrictions with fat, but my husband actually likes them better than regular hot dogs.

I sat down to my bowl of mac & cheese (to make myself feel better about it, I paired it with a nice, grown-up salad comprised of cucumbers, beets, artichoke hearts, olives, and my current salvation - Almond Accents), not knowing what to expect. If the gluten free version of my comfort food didn't cut it, what on earth would I eat to feel better about that? Fortunately for me and the 4 year old who occasionally lives in my stomach, it was good! It doesn't taste exactly the same, but it definitely worked.

So now I can venture out farther into the gluten free world, knowing that my security box of mac&cheese is available if I need it.